“We are not here to fix people. We are here to sit with them in their darkness, and remind them they are not alone.” — Brene Brown

The time when the phone went silent was one of the scariest moments in my career as a counsellor.

It made me realize — painfully — that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, how deeply we care, how well we’re trained, we can’t change someone’s mind. Not always.

Suicide.
That word has been replaying in my head for the past three days. It’s sat with me in the quiet moments. It’s followed me into sleep. It’s crept in mid-sentence when I’m doing something ordinary. And I keep going back to that session.

Should I have noticed the slurred speech earlier?
Should I have realized that what he was saying was more serious than usual?
I knew there had been attempts before — so many. But how do you know which one is the one?

He sounded calm. He shared what happened during the week. He talked about the bad feelings, the intrusive thoughts. He told me how the dark thoughts had crept in again the day before. But he also talked about the progress he made over the year — things he was proud of. We talked about how final decisions don’t need to be rushed. About time. About small changes that had happened. It was deep, reflective, sad — but it felt familiar. Manageable.

And then he said it.

"It’s too late now anyway."
"Why?"
"I’ve already taken 50 tablets of my meds."

In that moment, my heart froze — but the training kicked in.
Keep him on the line.
Call the ambulance.
Don’t hang up.

I told him exactly that. I said I would stay with him, that I wouldn’t hang up. I said I’d keep listening.

And then... the line went silent.

I kept talking. I kept my voice steady, even though I felt like I was breaking. I prayed I’d hear the ambulance arrive. Hear someone help him. Hear anything.

But there was just silence.

I don’t remember how long I sat there after the call. I was numb. And then, slowly, the numbness cracked, and the tears came. I cried — properly, openly. I didn’t try to get back to work. I didn’t try to analyze anything. I didn’t even try to “ground” myself.

I just wrapped myself in a blanket, put a TV show on, and sat in the moment.
With myself.
With the fear.
With the powerlessness.
With the sadness.

As therapists, we give so much of ourselves to others that we forget to tend to our own emotions. We hold space for everyone else — and too often forget to leave space for us.

That night, I gave myself that space. For my tears. For my body. For my heart.

I needed it.

"To care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves." — Parker Palmer

The next day, I called my supervisor. We talked through everything — the session, the signs, the silence, the what-ifs.

She said what she’s said to me before, and I needed to hear it again:

“You are not responsible for your clients' trauma or for their decisions. You are with them because of what happened to them. You are responsible for presence, not outcomes.”

And then, later that day, a message came through.

“I’m in hospital. I’m safe.”

I exhaled for what felt like the first time in hours. Maybe days.

He survived. This time.

I don’t know what the future holds for him. I don’t know if this was the turning point or another chapter in a long story. But I do know that I’ll keep walking with him — for as long as he lets me.

Resources

If You’re Struggling With Suicidal Thoughts or Feelings

You are not alone. Support is available — anonymously, compassionately, and without judgment.

United Kingdom

Samaritans – 116 123 (24/7, free)

Shout Crisis Text Line – Text SHOUT to 85258

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (US) – Dial 988

United States & Canada

Crisis Text Line (US & Canada) – Text HOME to 741741

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline – Dial 988 (24/7, free)

Australia

Lifeline – 13 11 14 (24/7)

Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636

International

Find help near you: https://findahelpline.com

For Fellow Therapists & Mental Health Professionals

If you’ve ever been through something like this, you know: it’s not just about training. It’s about the human part of you that aches. That worries. That keeps thinking, “Did I miss something?”

So if you’ve been there, or if you ever find yourself there:

Please feel your feelings.

Don’t push it aside.

Let yourself cry. Let yourself be with what happened.

Debrief. Reach out. Breathe.

You are not a machine. You are human. A brave, tender, human being.

“Compassion fatigue happens not because we care too much, but because we forget to care for ourselves.” — Dr. Charles Figley

We often focus so much on client care that we forget our own. Here are resources and readings that may help if you’ve supported someone through a suicide crisis — or if you’re holding heavy emotions after a session:

Clinical Debriefing & Supervision Support

Reach out to your clinical supervisor — regularly and after acute events.

Consider peer consultation groups or reflective practice spaces (e.g. Balint groups).

If you are a therapist, consider training in:

ASIST (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training)

CAMS (Collaborative Assessment & Management of Suicidality)

Mental Health First Aid (Suicide Prevention Modules)

Therapist Self-Care & Compassion Fatigue

“The Compassion Fatigue Workbook” – Françoise Mathieu

“Trauma Stewardship” – Laura van Dernoot Lipsky

“The Gifts of Imperfection” – Brené Brown (especially helpful when grappling with vulnerability and boundaries)

Professional Support

UK: Counsellors Together UK – https://www.counsellorstogetheruk.com

US: National Association of Social Workers (NASW) or American Counseling Association (ACA) local chapters

Supervision Networks: Look for trauma-informed or suicide-informed supervisors and group spaces

“You cannot stop the storm. So stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.”
— Timber Hawkeye

Be kind to yourself. Especially on the days that hurt.

References

Fallot, R. D., & Harris, M. (2009). Creating Cultures of Trauma-Informed Care (CCTIC). Community Connections.

Lipsky, L. V. D. (2009). Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others.

Mathieu, F. (2012). The Compassion Fatigue Workbook: Creative Tools for Transforming Compassion Fatigue and Vicarious Traumatization.

Figley, C. R. (1995). Compassion Fatigue: Coping With Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder in Those Who Treat the Traumatized.

World Health Organization. (2023). Suicide. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/suicide

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. (2024). https://afsp.org